Monday, March 21, 2005 Cops & Crooks

Last September I was out with some friends from work. They were sitting on a patio talking to two complete strangers when I arrived. I sat down and not wanting to interrupt the conversation, I sat quietly and listened.

One of the strangers was sitting down, long hair and looked generally laid back by everything. The other was a coiled spring of tension that looked ready to snap at any time. Ofcourse, as I am a vortex of the improbable he was staring unblinking at me through thick glasses, as if I had somehow offended him.

"What do you think I do for a living?"

He said it more as a challenge than a question, so in an attempt to keep it light I said "I don't know, a computer consultant?"

I should mention that for some forgotten reason I was in my prime mood for mischief, and so not thinking clearly I failed to realize that my snotty answer probably wouldn't inspire a laugh.

"No, I work Construction"

Well done I said, and attempted to ignore the issue. I should have seen at that point, regardless of what I said, his decision had already been made. While I sat attempting to enjoy the last of the summer on a patio, this monster standing next to me like a chambered bullet was calculating the entire scene. His decision was baking in his head, coming together like mountain streams to a river, capilaries to veins in his brain. It was only a matter of time.

My friend piped up "Well we're in the army so..."

Of all the inappropriate things to say. Both of them smiled. The spring snapped, I was punched backward out of my chair and onto the ground. Full understanding of what was happening rushed into my mind. The words "Oh Fuck" in large block letters shot across my mind, paralyzing me for that all important second of potential action.

200 years ago, the British army wore red jackets. The idea was that during a battle blood wouldn't show as easily and would prevent soldiers from being demoralized. I was going to see another case of theory vs fact.

By the time I stood up again, I was just able to catch the image of my friend being dropped to the ground by this chimp. And by the time I'd gotten over to the other side of the table, the quick motion of this guys fist pistoning back and forth into my friends bloody face. For some reason, both of then were smiling.

I grabbed the guy by the collar of his shirt attempting to hook him in the side of the face, he turned around and clipped me in the nose. My nose gushed blood but there was a split second where we stood looking at each other, waiting for action as if I should have hit the ground, he hit me again and ran past me. I went over to my buddy who was now laying unconscious on the floor.

This was something I had never seen before. The entire right side of his head was swollen out making his ear flush to the side of his head. His face and the ground around him looked as if someone had smashed a bottle of ketchup. I picked him up attempting to get him conscious and walked down the stairs to the street. And that was when the cops arrived.

Immediately I was suspect, the chimps had run off down the street before the police got there, Which left me and my friend, both soaked in blood and a single bouncer who was no help at all.

A waitress from the bar across the street explained to the cops what had happened. I was told I couldn't go with my friend in the ambulance and was told to leave. In my condition, no cab would take me, so I walked the rest of the way home, doing my best to stay off main streets. Near my house I had no choice but to cross the main road to the pub on the other side. As I passed some university zombie yelled out, "Hey man you pissed yourself", I replied that it was infact blood and asked if he had an extra cigarette.

When his friends heard that they all turned around, faces pale and eyes unblinking like deer. They stared me up and down, looking at my shirt, my face, pants, arms and shoes. It looked as if someone had thrown a bucket of red watery paint on me. Frosh week. Once again Culture Shock can be a beautiful thing. I asked again for a cigarette, the kid held out his pack so I informed him that it would probably be best if he pulled one out for me unless he wanted me to bleed on his cigarettes. Sense clicked in, and he followed my advice, ending with "Do you need any help" I said not unless he had any aspirin, and walked past. The next day my clothes were a red-brown ball of rags clumped together in a plastic back. The dried blood crumbled when I tried to separate my shirt from the ball. Fed up and disgusted, I tossed them. A few weeks later I ran into one of the cops who was off duty at a near by club. I was dressed in a suit for that event. He recognized me and so I explained what happened, this time he laughed. The last time I explained it to him, he almost put me in the back of a cruiser. Its interesting what 3 drinks or a uniform can do to someone's perspective.


When I said I was a vortex for the improbable I meant it. A year prior to that story almost to the day, I was contently sleeping when one of my roommates friends pounded on the door. This woke me up and by the time I came downstairs I found my roommate and his friends doing lines of coke off the living room table. One of them noticed I was awake, he came toward me wide-eyed and with urgency in his voice. Holding a bag in his hands he emptied the contents. A number of diamond rings spilled out onto the table, still with the stores tags on them. He explained that the diamonds were marked with an image of a polarbear, which apparently means they are Canadian diamonds. He told the room the story of how he became the "owner" of these things. He tried to sell one to me and when I flatly refused he got angry and left. The next day I thought about that event, and what I did to deserve being put in a situation like that. Not long after I moved out of that house. Later I found out that after doing time for the theft, he spent some time in a mental hospital.
Another guy who was in the room that night is currently in jail for manslaughter, he was driving drunk and killed two people. And yet another person who was in the room that night is now a corrections officer. Sometimes when you hear that noise that wakes you up in the night, its just worth it to roll over and go back to sleep.